I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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