Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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