I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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