I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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