Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
