i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
