I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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