I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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