And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
