If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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