I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize