Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
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