if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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