Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
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