I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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