the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
