I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
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I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
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As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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