my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
