She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.