with your own penis?
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep