I'd wear matching sweaters with you
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
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she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
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Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.