Got a toothbrush?
i permit you to call me
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
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He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
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I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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