Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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