I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
