I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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