I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much