i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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