Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck