everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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