Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
