nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain