help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken