I'm retarded. Again.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great