i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
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...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
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Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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