Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Randomize
