woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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