i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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