First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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