Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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