I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
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I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
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I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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