Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
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So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
25 People Confess Their Terrifying Stalker Stories
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.