remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one