the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?