Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life