how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
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I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
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I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital