i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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