glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
