dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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