I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
