I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
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I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
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The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
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