saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
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Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush