I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
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She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
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A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship