my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake