I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
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It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
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We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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