you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
