I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
