everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
