this just has baby written all over it
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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