Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
In other news, I just burned my penis
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
